Day 16

Sweet 16.

I was so sad for day 16.

I just felt so depressed. But why? I'm the sure the fact that the day before was a horrible failure played a part in my mood, but there was something more to it. I was just having a very low day.

I could barely concentrate on work, and when I had to take my daughter into town for a dentist appointment I just wanted to cry (I did NOT want to leave the house).

My husband offered to take her instead, but I knew I couldn't just stick my head in the dirt. What would she think? Her mom is crazy? He came in with us though, which was nice. At least I didn't have to drive.

I decided to pick up some sushi for dinner while in town thinking that would make everything all better (I adore sushi). That evening I curled up on the couch, played Resonance of Fate for hours, and nibbled on sushi.

I started feeling a little better.

My husband even surprised me with a vase of assorted flowers from the garden. He never does things like that. It was very sweet.

I just wish I didn't eat so much. After entering all my food into my food-tracking app I was over by almost 400 calories. I'll do better today.

I went to bed at 8pm and played Farm Frenzy on my ipad, followed by Innocent Life on my PSVita, and I finished off my evening with reading a few pages of Biting Anorexia.

I got a good nights sleep (I'm finally able to go to sleep without trying for hours on end) and am feeling a little more emotionally stable today.

Day 15

I don't know what snapped in me, but day 15 was an utter failure.

I decided to try organizing my clothes since my room is full of random stacks of my stuff. So I picked up some new hangers, put on a Tori Amos CD, and poured myself a glass of wine. And another. And another.

I pretty much said fuck-it and drank an entire 1.5 litre bottle of wine, and when that was gone, I drank the personal-sized bottle of champaign that had been in the fridge for weeks.

Something in my just gave up control and wanted to drink.

I also ate. Not a ton, but more than I should have.

Let's see... I think it was: a few pieces of beef jerky, a leftover salmon fillet (I was eating bits off it throughout the evening, and then I mashed up the rest of it and mixed it with guacamole & sour cream for a chip-dip), plus some rice & bean chips that I dipped in the salmon mix.

I feel ashamed today.

But all I can do now is move on.

I will not drink today.

Day 14

Last night I laid in bed, thinking over the day. It was another good, controlled day. I held my hip bones in my hands and I was comforted by them; I could barely feel them 8 months ago because I was so fat.

I'm now 142.8 pounds, and I've lost 6.8 pounds in the last 2 weeks. I should be more happy about this, but I feel like my goal of 119 is soooo far away.

24 more pounds to go. It feels like a million.

I find I'm using the ipad app I downloaded for keeping track of my calories more and more (MyNetDiary). I enter the food I plan on eating for the day, and then spend way too much time analyzing and whitling down the food to reduce the calories.

I'm having a lot of difficulty focusing on work.

It could be the time of year (its the slow time for us), but it could also be my current pre-occupation (obsession?) with my food and drink consumption.

All I want to do is lose myself in video games, or sit in the corner of the couch and cross-stitch while watching the Food Network.

I'm so boring when I'm sober.

Day 13

No drinking, controlled calories, and even some exercise (a 5 km walk) made day 13 a good one.

This was the day my husband said he was going to start 'making changes', like me, but unfortunately we seemed to resist the idea and drank more than usual. I counted the bottles this morning and he had 11 beers plus a crown royal and coke (he makes his CR&Cs very, very strong).

I didn't say anything one way or the other since it's his choice, but I found that when he was near me and I could smell the booze on him, I was a little repulsed.

While part of me is happy that I'm getting to the point where binge-drinking is very off-putting to me, I don't want to cringe any time he wants to cuddle or kiss after he drinks.

Day 12

Day 12 was a better day.

We went to Toronto for my husband's race and everything went well. It was my husband and 2 of our friends entering the race, and their husbands and I tagged along to cheer for them.

It was actually quite a nice evening. There was great conversation and the weather was perfect. There was a barbeque and beer tent on site for after the race, and we hung out there a bit afterward.

I wasn't freaking out about the bbq/beer tent because I knew it would be easy for me to say 'no'. I never touch bbq that I don't make because you never know if the sauces or burgers have gluten in them (most do), and I can't drink beer for the same reason. But then we got in there and my friend yells over to me "Hey! They have Smirnoff Ice!". She knows I can drink that, so she buys me one without a second thought. (sigh)

I thanked her and drank it slowly while they all had their beer (except the husband who was driving). I stopped at the one drink and I'm happy about that. Even when we got home my husband asked me to have another drink with him, and I actually didn't feel like it, so I said no thank you.

Instead I had a hot lemon water and went to bed.

Even with the unexpected Smirnoff I still managed to keep under 1000 calories for the day. Overall it was a good recovery from the day before.

Day 11

I was seriously debating with myself about writing here today.

Yesterday, day 11, was a complete write-off for me.

But I decided I'm going to write about it instead of trying to ignore it like I usually do. I really want to keep up with this blog instead of abandoning it like I've done with past endeavors to get my drinking/eating under control.

So yesterday my husband and I had a long talk while we were in the car for a few hours. He was telling me how impressed he was with my ability to not drink lately, and that he's going to start "after this weekend". I asked him "why not start now?" and he said he didn't want to yet (...I have a feeling he won't want to after this weekend either). I told him it wasn't easy for me, and he said I sure made it look easy.

But it's definitely NOT easy.

Anyway, I was feeling some anxiety that evening. I was trying to figure out why, and I realized it was because the next day (today) we have to go to Toronto for one of his races. I'm extremely nervous about going into Toronto... the crowds, the smells, the people, the traffic... I'm getting anxious just thinking about it. I hate cities (we live in the country).

As a result of the anxiety I really felt like drinking to relax about it. My husband, of course, was trying to encourage me to just go ahead and drink. "I'll even go out and get you some wine" he says, because the box of wine that had been sitting in the fridge for almost 2 weeks only had a couple glasses left in it.

At that moment, my compulsion to drink took over and was stronger than my willpower, and also stronger than my compulsion to control every calorie that entered my mouth.

When I decided to drink, I figured I would at least cut back on my food to make up for the calories. I made pasta (gluten-free) with a homemade sauce (made with ground chicken and tomatoes & other veggies from our garden) which I hate eating because it is so calorie-dense, but my husband was 'carb-loading' for his race so I had to make it (...maybe that was another source of my anxiety last night). I decided to cut my portion in half to make up for the wine.

But drinking on not much food wasn't a good idea; I was tipsy after only 1 drink.

I lost count of how many I had, but based on the empty cans of soda water (my drink of choice is white wine spritzers: half wine, half soda water) I think I had 5-6 drinks. I am shocked that I got so drunk on only that many, because normally I could polish off twice that and be fine the next day.

By the end of the evening my husband told me he thought I should eat something before bed so I wasn't too hungover the next day. I said I didn't want to go to the trouble to make something, but he insisted he would, so he made me half a gluten-free pizza. I have no idea how many calories it was or what exactly was on it... I just ate it.

This morning I woke up with a really bad headache and heaps of guilt from the night before.

Don't get me wrong, I actually had fun last night. My daughter and I watched anime and joked for hours. My husband even joined us for a bit and we all had a good time and laughed together. Then, after my daughter went to bed, my husband and I had some pretty great sex. But that doesn't stop me from feeling guilty about it today.

Sometimes I feel like I don't know how to have that kind of fun when I'm not drinking. I feel like I'm boring when I'm sober.

I need to stop feeling that way.

Well, today is another day. I'm not going to try to remember or guess how many extra calories I took in last night. I'm not going to go back in my daily calorie app on my ipad to yesterday and feel even worse about the absolute failure that I was. I'm just going to pick myself up and be better today.

Tonight we go to Toronto with friends, I'm just going to try to relax and enjoy their company.

Day 10

Into the double-digits now. Wow.

While I haven't gone a full 10 days with zero alcohol, I'm happy in the fact that I only drank to point of a buzz one night out of 10 (had 4 drinks total at a social event), and only one other evening that I had 1 glass of wine and was able to stop at only 1.

I'm also very happy that my calories have been nicely controlled for 10 days with no binging.

Last night my husband told me he knows he needs to be following my example and start doing what I'm doing if he wants to see more results with his running. He said "you're putting on a clinic to show how shits done". I was flattered, but honestly all I could think was "You have no idea what I'm doing... you would never be able to do it like me."

He would never be able to improve his performance on my calories. Guys just need more, especially when they are as active as him.

But it would be good if he stopped drinking so much. Since I started 10 days ago he has consistantly had at least 6 beers a night, and as much as 12 some nights.

At first it was hard for me to see him drinking when I was trying not to. But now... it's almost like I feel I'm better than him, more superior, by being able to say 'no'. It's become a kind of competition for me. If he is able to stop drinking too will I be able to keep this up?

I believe so.

Regardless of that feeling, I do really wish he'd stop drinking as much as he is. I do love him, and want him to live a long life with me.

Day 9

Another good day.

I kept my calories at 1000, even with a planned snack of baked bean chips and smoked mussels while watching the movie Goon with my husband. I even took a 5km walk so I burned off even more calories. I also stayed away from the wine that's been in the fridge for over a week now (a week! it usually lasts a couple days...)

So why do I feel guilty for having that evening snack?

I feel really focused on losing this weight right now, and it seems I'm scrutinizing everything I put in my mouth more than usual. I know I'm falling back into my past disordered eating patterns, but I am pretty much welcoming it back right now.

I guess I'm just substituting one addiction (alcohol) with another (eating disorder).

But which is worse?

...I think the alcohol is worse.