Yesterday, day 11, was a complete write-off for me.
But I decided I'm going to write about it instead of trying to ignore it like I usually do. I really want to keep up with this blog instead of abandoning it like I've done with past endeavors to get my drinking/eating under control.
So yesterday my husband and I had a long talk while we were in the car for a few hours. He was telling me how impressed he was with my ability to not drink lately, and that he's going to start "after this weekend". I asked him "why not start now?" and he said he didn't want to yet (...I have a feeling he won't want to after this weekend either). I told him it wasn't easy for me, and he said I sure made it look easy.
But it's definitely NOT easy.
Anyway, I was feeling some anxiety that evening. I was trying to figure out why, and I realized it was because the next day (today) we have to go to Toronto for one of his races. I'm extremely nervous about going into Toronto... the crowds, the smells, the people, the traffic... I'm getting anxious just thinking about it. I hate cities (we live in the country).
As a result of the anxiety I really felt like drinking to relax about it. My husband, of course, was trying to encourage me to just go ahead and drink. "I'll even go out and get you some wine" he says, because the box of wine that had been sitting in the fridge for almost 2 weeks only had a couple glasses left in it.
At that moment, my compulsion to drink took over and was stronger than my willpower, and also stronger than my compulsion to control every calorie that entered my mouth.
When I decided to drink, I figured I would at least cut back on my food to make up for the calories. I made pasta (gluten-free) with a homemade sauce (made with ground chicken and tomatoes & other veggies from our garden) which I hate eating because it is so calorie-dense, but my husband was 'carb-loading' for his race so I had to make it (...maybe that was another source of my anxiety last night). I decided to cut my portion in half to make up for the wine.
But drinking on not much food wasn't a good idea; I was tipsy after only 1 drink.
I lost count of how many I had, but based on the empty cans of soda water (my drink of choice is white wine spritzers: half wine, half soda water) I think I had 5-6 drinks. I am shocked that I got so drunk on only that many, because normally I could polish off twice that and be fine the next day.
By the end of the evening my husband told me he thought I should eat something before bed so I wasn't too hungover the next day. I said I didn't want to go to the trouble to make something, but he insisted he would, so he made me half a gluten-free pizza. I have no idea how many calories it was or what exactly was on it... I just ate it.
This morning I woke up with a really bad headache and heaps of guilt from the night before.
Don't get me wrong, I actually had fun last night. My daughter and I watched anime and joked for hours. My husband even joined us for a bit and we all had a good time and laughed together. Then, after my daughter went to bed, my husband and I had some pretty great sex. But that doesn't stop me from feeling guilty about it today.
Sometimes I feel like I don't know how to have that kind of fun when I'm not drinking. I feel like I'm boring when I'm sober.
I need to stop feeling that way.
Well, today is another day. I'm not going to try to remember or guess how many extra calories I took in last night. I'm not going to go back in my daily calorie app on my ipad to yesterday and feel even worse about the absolute failure that I was. I'm just going to pick myself up and be better today.
Tonight we go to Toronto with friends, I'm just going to try to relax and enjoy their company.
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